The Oakie News June 2014

Breightmet was our first match this month, Bulb had arranged to pick up Dingle on the way, so Dingle was on his drive waiting.. & waiting.. & waiting.. But Bulb didn't arrive. Dingles long suffering wife said, “Get a taxi if you don't want to drive”

Dingle. “He won't let me down, he'll be here in a min.”

We always get a warm welcome from Breightmet Golf Club, thanks to Rob in the pro shop. This little oasis is like another world hidden amongst the chaos that is Breightmet, and as you pull onto the car park one of the first things you notice is the golf glove shop.. 

We all gathered in the club house, out of the rain, and viewed the course through the windows. All the money was paid for this match and the remainder of the money towards the next major. The draw for the tees was done, and the matches were detailed. (Dingle was still on his drive waiting for Bulb) It was nice to see that Capitan Sandbasher had packed away his nurses uniform (well for this weekend anyway) and Mr Etiquette was back with us, bringing a ray of sunshine to the proceedings with his ever present smile on his face.

Guru had water in his eyes, and a few people mentioned this fact, he put it down to water going in his EARS from swimming with Alex, (how the hell can this give you water in your eyes, unless you have an empty yed)

Camel cheeks got mistaken for Mr Anorexic by Boycie, (easily done) the bacon barms went down well and were enjoyed by all, and as we all made our way out to the first tee, Dingle turned up in a taxi. “Thanks Bulb” he said dashing to pay and get changed.

 The first tee saw Captain Sandbasher, Camel Cheeks, Stroller and Penfold. Stroller and Penfold were keeping an eye on each other’s cards to see who would avoid the wig and horse shoe.  Sandbasher and Camel Cheeks, went on to a nail biting game that swung one way then the other, but finished all square.

In the second tee saw Dingle playing Thick Sliced, as Dingle reached for his driver, he said to Bulb, “This is what you should have been today, my driver”.  Mr Etiquette was playing Boycie, Boycie was not putting very well again, this made his game hard work, after a strong start, he was soon 5 holes down, Boycie again drove quite well but didn't take advantage of this and couldn't keep up with Mr Etiquettes handicap and lost 6&5 Once the game was over Boycie’s game picked up and narrowly missed picking up the 2's pot money. Thick Sliced shook hands with Dingle after his 4&3 win, then scored 18 in the next 2 holes, (a par 4 and a par 3 !)

Bulb was playing in the third tee against Guru, while Lee Majors was up against it playing BetTrev, Lee found it hard going against BetTrev eventually losing 7 & 5.  Bulb wasn't having a good day, before the start he had said, “If it pisses down, I'm walking off”   this shone through during the early part of the game. Guru even with a head full of water raced into an early lead to go 4up after 7 holes which had Bulb praying for rain, surprisingly Guru didn’t win another hole after that as Bulb fought back to win 3 of the last 4 holes to snatch an unlikely draw & qualify for the quarter finals at the expense of a bemused Guru

As the scores came in it was safe to say that nobody had scored really well, and it finished with a 3 way tie for first with a net 77. On a count back, Sandbasher took first place, Bet Trev took second, and Dingle got nowt for being the third person on 77.

A massive well done to both Sandbasher & BetTrev, it isn't an easy course to play and a strong wind didn't help anyone, (but it is the same for us all). 

At the other end of the A4 sheet was Steve Austin with 102 net. He again took home the head wear and necklace, much to the relief of Penfold who thought he was dead certain to take the booby prize home.

It’s still early days but, has anyone moved away from the pack at the top of Division 1, did Camel Cheeks & Stroller do enough to get out of the bottom 2? In the mini league did Boycie take advantage of the missing Anorexic Hermit & open up a gap at the top?

Division 1

6pts for the returning Nurse Sandbasher with a 77 & up to 2^nd spot, BetTrev 5pts also had a 77 to open up a 4pt gap at the top, Sam Dingle at his home course (used to be a member at Breightmet believe it or not, 6 finger handshake & all that) also had 77 to claim 4pts, Camel Cheeks climbed out of the bottom 2 with 3pts after an 80, 2pts for Bulb after an 82 drops him down to 3^rd place, now for the 1 pointers Mr Etiquette drops into the relegation box after also shooting 82, Guru collapsed to an 83, Stroller stays stuck at bottom after an 84, bringing up the rear Penfold shot 87 including a TEN on the 12^th

Division 2 mini league saw just 3 golfers take part, Thick Sliced took the 6pts with a 79 which included a TEN on the 16^th Boycie opens a 3pt gap at the top after an 84 gave him the 5pts, Up to 2^nd place in the league for Lee Majors after an 102, a horrific back 9 which had an ELEVEN & 2 TEN’s &

Most shots on a hole

LEE MAJORS

13 On the 494 yard Par 5 12^th

Match Play Results

Group A

Warbies Thick Sliced beat Sam Dingle 4 & 3 leaving Sam Dingle hoping other results go his way in order to qualify

Group of Death

Camel Cheeks & Sandbasher All Square, which leaves that group still wide open

Group C

BetTrev beat Lee Majors 7 & 5, Bulb & Guru All Square, BetTrev & Bulb qualify for the quarter finals

Group D

Mr Etiquette beat Boycie 6 & 5 which leaves that group wide open

No Handicap Changes

All results & tables are on the website www.oakiegs.com

Many thanks to Mr Anorexic for sending us our next picture (why he was there taking this picture of Camel Cheeks I'm not sure) Camel Cheeks wanted us all to see him in one of his sexiest poses, he looks like a proper fudge packer if you ask me, this is a Marilyn Monroe pose, Gaylord alert (you have been warned gents).

(Editor: I have no words)

Onto Tytherington Golf Club on Friday the 16^th, our second major of the summer season. This major was sponsored by Cliff and Bryan, a big thank you to them both for helping to fund the day’s golf.  It was an early start, 8am meeting time, plus we had to battle through the morning traffic, (you can tell a non driver booked this one) so we had no time to waste, it was a case of out of bed and on our way. 

The weather was fantastic, the course was fantastic, we were all in for a great day’s golf. Hans Christian Connett got stuck in traffic on his way to the course so he phoned to ask to be put in the last tee to give them time to get there. When he arrived he went straight into one of his tales. 

The bacon barms were taken care of, the draw was done for the tees and we all moved out to the putting area,

In the first tee saw Captain Sandbasher, Penfold and Stroller, Sandbasher did one of his trade mark cock ups and screwed his drive up fine style, much to the amusement of Mr Starter, (who came across to mention the fact during lunch) Penfold managed to get past the 9^th tee without dashing into the trees

Next away were Bulb, Camel Cheeks, Arkwright & Brains (no comments so must have been boring straight down the middle shit from those 4)

Then came Thick Sliced, Sam Dingle, Boycie, and BetTrev. BetTrev always smashes it a mile, and was scoring well, so was Boycie who's putting was back to normal after a recent bad spell. Although Boycie did nearly play the wrong ball on one hole after Dingle found a ball that Boycie was getting ready to play. Thankfully before he played it Dingle found Boycies real ball. (he would have lost 2 shots that would have proved costly) Thick Sliced was playing well, his lessons are beginning to pay dividends. And Dingle was, well, Dingle.

The last group was made up of Hans Christian, Lee Majors, Guru, and Mr Anorexic. Guru followed our Captains example but went one better by screwing it up even further with his first tee shot going into a garden.

At lunch we all headed in for the sandwiches and soup. Guru forgot to bring the cards in, (that rings a bell) and had to go and get them, but instead of using the door he tried to walk through a nearby window. Once Guru had got his cards he went to Tesco’s shopping for shoes, (he forgotten to bring some) he did look sweet walking around Tesco’s in PINK.. The scores weren't as tight or as high as the last major, and some people didn't score that well, Boycie lead with 19, (15 was the lowest score at Knott End)

The tees were sorted for the afternoon and people had to swap their bags from buggy to buggy. As the afternoon started, dark clouds rolled in and a rumble of thunder could be heard, but this soon cleared and the sun began to shine again. It wasn't the only thing that was rumbling on the fairways as Sam Dingles porridge found its way bubbling out of his arse, as he farted his way from bunker to bunker, I've never seen so many bunkers hit, (or farts done) It took 3 people, 20 minutes with big sticks, to stop his undies trying to escape from the changing area. 

Sandbasher was his usual steady self, he seems to go into a “Matrix mode” before each shot, but he has no idea, (but the tee behind are willing him out of it) Then he took a bit of a sulk on the 7^th, his game went to pieces as he stomped across each fairway and his shots had no meaning or purpose to them. BetTrev got a bit distracted by Dingle going out of turn, Dingle could see the last tee waiting and was trying to move them along a bit faster, Guru didn't seem to be able to get into the groove either.

The course was long & also between green and tee was a decent walk, this took a toll on the batteries, and by the end a few peoples trolleys were crawling across the fairways, (so were some of the buggies, and players)

With no-one making a strong push through the score sheet in any other of the groups, this meant the winner had to come from the last tee of Boycie, Thick Sliced, Mr Anorexic and Brains. Boycie was doing really well but Thick Sliced was keeping up with him, it was really tight until near the end.

Who won what who came where & who got the wooden spoon

A huge well done to Thick Sliced for his tremendous effort to take the honours, 56pts in total, 40pts in the afternoon which included a magnificent 25pts on the back 9!

Boycie claimed second place with 50pts (19 & 31)

A close 3^rd for Brains with 49pts (18 & 31), Mr Anorexic squeezed into the prizes in 4^th place with 43pts (17 & 26) edging out Sandbasher 42pts (15 & 27), 6^th & 7^th were Guru & BetTrev both on 40pts (14 & 26), in 8^th & 9^th both on 38pts came Camel Cheeks (11 & 27) & Bulb (13 & 25), 10^th place & no wooden spoon for Stroller 37pts (12 & 25) Penfold had 36pts (12 & 24) Sam Dingle & his bubbling guts 33pts (15 & 18) Hans Christian Connett 31 (13 & 18) Arkwright 28pts (9& 19) & finally Lee Majors 23pts (6 & 17)

 Lee Majors thought he might be going home with the wig so he tried to hide it on someone else’s bag, (you’re not as fast as you once were Lee, we spotted it)

But we don't get caught out that easy at the Oakies, and we had a beard waiting for you instead.

Handicap Changes after Tytherington

Warbies Thick Sliced got chopped off at the knees losing 2.5 now playing off 12.1

Bulb gained 0.1 now playing off 13 (12.5)

Eccleston Park was the venue for the 4^th summer league game on Sunday 25^th May, our tee had been pushed back to 12-30 due to there being a members competition on the day. 13 members arrived plus Andy McVicar (hcp10), Jimmy Shaw (hcp23) & Mark (King Chunner) Gregory (hcp15) came along as guests from the Rope & Anchor Golf Society, it was good to see they’ve finally sorted their handicapping system out, anyone that was around in 1998 may remember they came down to the Oakie wanting a challenge match, this got a favourable response from our committee until we saw their handicaps, they had players off 29, 32, 36 etc & 1 bloke off 48!!! The challenge match never happened.

The draw was done by Andy McVicar & everyone went out to the putting green & the practice nets in preparation for their golf, all that is apart from Guru who took on board one of “Tommy’s Tips” (a regular feature in the old newsletter) by having a “Fat Man Foldover” the only problem was having been drawn in the 1^st group Guru didn’t have time to finish it, he got to the 1^st tee wrapping sausage & toast up to be devoured later.

 The 1^st tee was Captain Sandbasher , Mr Anorexic, Lee Majors & a still munching Guru, Sandbasher & Mr Anorexic’s match play game swung both ways (Whoa calm down Camel Cheeks we’re on about golf here) until Mr Anorexic gifted the last to Sandbasher, Guru struggled with a hook all day & then struggled on the car park trying to put his trolley in the boot of his car with his brolly still attached & open.

The 2^nd tee saw Bulb, Jimmy Shaw, Arkwright & Brains, Brains basically spanked our wig wearing hero all round Eccleston Park winning 8 & 7, Jimmy Shaw had a very good knock which produced a few comments of “what’s your f#####g handicap again?” whilst Bulb was, well he was Bulb on a bad day, The 3^rd tee featured Mr Etiquette, Boycie, Stroller & Warbies Thick Sliced, Thick Sliced struggled a tad with his new handicap but still did enough to beat Stroller, Boycie’s putter has started working again only having 27 putts unfortunately the rest of his game disappeared, Mr Etiquette was his usual jovial self & felt he had played well apart from 3 seven’s & 2 eights. The 4^th & final group featured Penforld, Camel Cheeks, King Chunner & Andy McVicar, Penfold front 9 of 54 ruined his chances, while Camel Cheeks had what you may call 2 different 9’s, a front 9 of 61!! Followed by 39 on the back 9 relegation & championship form all in 1 game, King Chunner & Andy weren’t very good at all.

There are no pics of the winner & loser from Eccleston, The winner Howard had to dash home to take his daughter to the airport, was heard muttering on his way out that he wouldn’t be using Bulb Airport Taxis ever again, Lee Majors had left the wig & horseshoe at home which let Arkwright off the hook (for now)

Now for the division points, could the chasing pack make the most of BetTrev’s absence & close the gap at the top, would those at the bottom do enough to drag the holidaying Sam Dingle back into the relegation battle? In the mini league Hans Christian Connett was once again missing leaving just the 5 to battle it out for the points.

Division 1

6pts & up to 2^nd place for Brains with a 76, 5pts after a 78 moves Sandbasher up to top spot, 4pts for Mr Etiquette with a 79 & out of the bottom 2, 80 gave Stroller 3 valuable points, still stuck at the bottom but closed the gap on those just above him, Guru got the final bonus point with 81, 2pts moves Guru up to joint 4^th, these 3 just got the 1 point for turning up, Penfold’s 85 leaves him just 2 points above the bottom 2, Bulb drops down to joint 4^th after his 88, bringing up the rear Camel Cheeks drops back into deep doodah after an 89.

Division 2 mini league

Mr Anorexic claimed the 6pts & up to joint 2^nd after a 77, 5pts for Thick Sliced after a 81 & a share of 2^nd spot, 4pts & still top spot for Boycie after an 83, 3pts & 4^th for Lee Majors, finally 2pts for Arkwright after a wig & horseshoe deserving 94

 Who had Most Shots on a Hole

Stroll up

Lee Majors & Stroller who both had

10 on the 560yd par 5 14^th

Match Play Results

Group A

Warbies Thick Sliced beat Stroller 4 & 3 which puts Thick Sliced through to the Quarter Finals, Stroller needs to beat Hans Christian Connett at Boysnope to go through, a draw will be enough for Hans

Group B

Sandbasher beat Mr Anorexic 1up & goes through to the Quarters, Penfold needs to avoid defeat against Mr Anorexic at Boysnope to qualify, a defeat for Penfold would see Camel Cheeks go through

Group C

BetTrev & Bulb already qualified for Quarters

Group D

Brains spanked Arkwright 8 & 7 to have 1 foot in the Quarters, Brains faces Boycie at Boysnope & should go through barring a really heavy defeat, Mr Etiquette will qualify if Boycie doesn’t win by 4 & 3 or better

Tables & results are on the website www.oakiegs.com

After the game a few of us decided to go out for a few pints it being a bank holiday ‘n all, as we got to the Player’s Lounge Bulb received a surprise phone call from Ex Chester City & Wales footballer Ian Rush (arranged by Guru through one of his friends) to say it made Bulb’s night would be a huge understatement, it was while we were in there that we had the quote of the day, Camel Cheeks announced he was starving & had to have something to eat, cheeseburger? Nope, Bacon cheeseburger? That’s the 1, as the bloke was taking his order Camel Cheeks asked “Excuse me mate, does it come on a barm?”

Bog Seat Nominations so far

1^st up is Mr Etiquette for walking off because of the rain after 9 holes in the afternoon of the Captains Trophy at Blackpool North Shore, thus stopping BetTrev from winning the wooden spoon.

2^nd

Sam Dingle on his way to Eccleston Park in November for a winter league game, was running a tad late after feeding the horses, called at a petrol station to fill up his van, took off the petrol cap & placed it o top of the bin next to the pump, filled up, turned around to pick up petrol cap only to find it had disappeared along with the van keys!! A frantic 5 minutes ensued as Sam searched everywhere, pockets, passenger seat, top of rear wheel, floor, pockets, passenger seat, rear wheel front wheel, side of the bin, top of the pump (you get the idea) he then looked at the bin realising it was a swing top & had to delve inside it up to his armpit to retrieve the keys & petrol cap, Sam by this time was really running late, only 1 thing for it, get his foot down, it wasn’t long before he was pulled up over by the police for speeding, Mr policeman told Sam how fast he was going at the time & invited him to see the evidence for himself to which Sam replied “no thanks I’d rather not I’m gonna be late for golf” Sam sat in the police car to see how fast he’d been going. (got to golf as the 1^st group was teeing off)

3^rd

Sam Dingle was playing the par 5 13^th at Frodsham, hit his tee shot miles left then hit his provisional ball just off the fairway to the right, he couldn’t find his 1^st ball so came back across 2 fairways to play his provisional, (which had been found by Sandbasher & Brains) Sam knocked it into the trees adjoining the 14^th fairway, as he was taking his stance for his next shot he noticed that the ball wasn’t his, so he picked it up, stuck it in his pocket & started walking back to where he’d hit his previous shot from muttering “that molly told me that was my ball I’ve just hit, this is not my ball” Sandbasher pointed out his ball in the rough saying “It’s here Sam, that ball you’ve got is this mon’s here walking down the 14^th towards you” to which Sam said to the poor bloke “sorry mate” and just threw it in his general direction!!

Coming in the next issue

More Bog Seat Nominations

Match reports from Boysnope & Hart Common

Report from the Presidents Shield at Houghwood

And anything else that tickles our mystery writers fancy

It seems we have another model amongst us

Appearing in betting shops & bus shelters all over the country